The Ordered Phoenix
by ocicat
Summary: A parody of the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie. Very Random.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. No I don't.**

**This fan fiction is loosely based on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie.  
**

_Harry is sitting in a park. On the swing. Dudley and his friends have just arrived. They are looking rather smug._

**Harry:** Hey, Dudders. What are you so happy about? Did you beat up another ten year old?

**Dudley:** Yeah, but he had it coming.

**Harry:** Had what coming, your fist at his jaw? Psht.

**Dudley:** Yeah, well… YOUR MUM IS DEAD!

**Harry:** You _bitch!_

_Harry sticks his stick in Dudley's chin and the apocalypse begins._

**Dudley: **_(Looking around nervously) Whatdidyoudo??!!_

**Harry:** (_Evil death glare.)_

**Dudley:** I TAKE IT BACK! Your mum isn't dead! Make it _stop!_

**Harry:** It isn't ME!!

_They look around. Dudley's friend have disappeared, because a ten year old they can handle, but stormy weather is just too much. All of a sudden, the Dementors appear._

**Harry:** RUN!!

_They run, into a sewer. Because nothing bad ever happens in sewers._

**Dementors: **(_Appear)_

**Harry: **Shit.

**Dudley: **WHAT? I don't see it! I can only see the pee!

**Harry: **We're in a _sewer, _of course there is shit!

**Dementor A: **(_Taps Harry on the shoulder)_

**Harry: **_(Turning to face the Dementor) _Yes? AAHH!

_Harry and Dudley begin dying. Until Harry gets his wand from somewhere inside his jeans (dodgy? I think so) and yells:_

**Harry: **KILL THE BITCHES OL' STAGGY!

_A blue animal appears, and finally the Dementors are gone. And an old lady, who looks like she might just live in the sewers, appears. Harry turns the ol' staggy on her._

**Harry: **Kill it! KILL IT!

_The old lady turns and smiles creepily at Harry._

**Old Lady: **I've been _watching you,_ my child.

**Harry:** Aah! Run, Dudders, run!

_Everyone now realises that Dudley is almost dead, and a little shocked… just a little. So they take him home._

_

* * *

  
_

**Vernon:** WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR SON??

_Dudley is slumped on the coach, looking blank. Harry is sitting by the ktichen island, looking blank. And Vernon just looks like a beetroot. In both shape and colour.  
_

**Petunia:** He looks dummer than usual!!

**Harry:** How do you work that out?

**Petunia:** He isn't asking for ice cream!!

**Vernon:** (pointing at Harry) YOU ARE _GROUNDED!_

_With that he puts a bag over his sons head pushes him into the family car. Driving away he gives the finger to Harry through the window. Harry sighs, and an envelope on the bench begins screaming at him._

**Envelope: **I am a legal representative of the Ministry of Magic!

**Harry: **Really? You just look like an envelope to me…

**Envelope: **I represent a representative!

**Harry: **Psht.

**Envelope: **Silence, for you are EXPELLED!

**Harry: **What?

**Envelope: **EXPELLED!

**Harry: **What…but…why?

**Envelope: **You used magic, underage boy!

**Harry: **But…that was… SELF DEFENSE!

**Envelope: **Tell it to an envelope that cares.

**Harry: **IT WAS SELF DEFENSE!

**Envelope: **I don't _care. _You. Are. EXPELLED!

**Harry:** Envelope?

**Envelope:** Yes, Harry?

**Harry:** I am going to burn you now.

**Thankyou for reading. PLease, do review. If you liked, I want to know. If you hated it ... I want to know?**

**Ocicat.  
**


	2. In the Sirius House

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, JK Rowling does. She keeps him in a little jar above her bed. Creepy, I know.**

**Harry:** Hmm. Hmmmm. Hmmmmmm. HHHHHHHMMMMMM.

**Doorbell:** Ding.

**Harry:** Hmmm.

**Doorbell:** Dong.

_Harry goes to answer the door. A strange lady with odd coloured hair, Professor Moody and Werewolf guy stand with broomsticks and goofy expressions._

**Harry: **EVERYTIME I ANSWER THE GODDAMN DOOR I AM MET BY FREAKS! WTF!?

**Tonks: **_I _can change my appearance at will. Cause I am speshul.

**Harry:** Wait, let me get this straight. You can choose to look however you want?

**Tonks:** Yepsie.

**Harry:** And you chose _that face!?_

_Harry bursts out laughing and falls to the floor, while Tonks' hair turns red._

**Harry: **_(Getting up) _Oh, yeah, and… I kind of got expelled…

**Moody:** We Know! That is why we are here! To take you to a… secret place.

**Tonks:** You mean the secret organisation headqua-

**Moody:** SHUT UP TONKS EVERYONE HATES YOU!

**Tonks:** Yeah, well, at least I don't spend my days looking through peoples clothes with my X-ray eyes.

**Lupin:** Umm… we should maybe, get going? And Moody, I know how you are looking at Harry with that X-ray eye. Stop it.

**Moody:** (takes a swig from his hip flask) What. Ever. Harry, take this broom.

_The group are flying over a harbour_. _Although they don't appear to have an invisibility spell on them, apparently they do. Tonks is screaming like someone on crank (that's crystal meth, for all of you who don't know) because apparently they also have a 'no-one can hear us, cause we have our own soundproof bubble' spell on them. Finally they arrive at a street. A house appears between two other houses, where it wasn't before._

**Harry: **THAT SHIT WAS WICKED, MAN!

**Lupin: **Indeed, please enter the house, now, Harry. And please do be all hush hush.

_They enter the house and are greeted by a creepy little elf-thing._

**Creepy elf-thing: **You're all bastards, all of you! _(He points menacingly at the group and sticks his tongue out) _Now if you don't mind, I am going to go to my hovel under the kitchen sink, and cover myself in rat hair.

_Molly Weasley appears from behind a door and runs, full-pelt, at Harry, who screams a bit before his face is smothered by her hug._

**Mrs Weasley: **Oh, Harry, I am so glad you're safe. Now off to your room.

_She begins to push Harry up the creaky stairs, which look like they might collapse._

**Harry: **But, what-

**Mrs Weasley: **UP, up the stairs, up up up!

**Harry: **Okay, then…

_In his room Harry finds Ron and Hermione. Because Hermione would rather stay at a creaky, creepy, elf-infested house over the holidays than see her parents. Ron is smiling because he is used to creaky old houses, for gods sake, he lives in a place called the _Burrow. _Hermione runs over and hugs Harry (women seem to do that to him a lot), she is basically crying._

**Hermione: **Harry, I can't believe they kicked you out! It's not like you have ever broken any school rules, or property, or even given a teacher memory loss and brain damage. I shall personally talk to the minister!

**Ron: **Calm down Hermione. Harry, did you know that they are operating a highly secretive and illegal organisation downstairs?

**Harry: **Wow, can we go and listen?

**Fred and George:** With our help, yes.

**Harry:** Umm… how did you get here?

**Fred:** We can

**George:** Apparate now!

**Fred:** Anyway, we have these ears, which go down the stairs and slink under the door.

**Hermione:** I knew you two had big ears, but that's a little hopeful, isn't it?

**George:** Shush, frizzy haired mud blood, the twins are talking.

**Ron:** (whispering) And when the twins talk, you listen.

_Everyone proceeds down the stairs, and the Weasley twins pull out a long ear on a string. They proceed to stick their noses in other peoples, top-secret, business._

**Lupin: **If You-Know-Who has returned, he will want to be around Harry.

**Mrs Weasley: **Yes, you must protect him; I love him like my own son.

**Mr Weasey: **Dear, you already have a son, four of them.

**Mrs Weasley: **I know, but Percy is the bastard of betrayal, and royally stuck up. Fred and George want to be in _sales,_ and Ron? Just look at him, in his 'R' hand knitted sweater. Such a loser. Not one of them has survived a near death experience.

_All of a sudden, Crook shanks (the cat with a striking resemblance to Hermione's hair) appears and begins chewing on the ear. Apparently the ear has a sensor for cat noises, so chewing does not echo around the room. The ear is then ripped from its string and consumed by Crook shanks._

**Fred: **I always hated your cat, Hermione.

**George:** Yeah, me too. That ear took a lot of work to get.

**Fred:** I guess its back to the human body parts black-market again.

**George:** We could just go to an orphanage?

_Sirius walks out of the room, the meeting is over. He heads towards the sneaky listeners, all gathered by the stairs._

**Sirius: **What's all this Jibber-jabbering?

**Harry:** OMG SIRIUS, LOVE OF MY LIFE!

_Harry embraces Sirius, who promptly pushes him away and offers the manlier shoulder-clap._

**Sirius: **Welcome to my home, Harry. Don't mind the creepy elf; he should limit himself to verbal abuse unless you touch his mother.

**Harry:** His mother? I thought there was only one elf around here.

**Sirius:** Nobody has told you? There are loads of shrunken heads on the second floor. One of them belongs to his mother.

**Harry:** Oh…

**Sirius:** Yeah, he might also kill you if you touch _my _mother.

**Harry:** I would never dream of it Sirius, I am not that kind of boy. Ron, maybe, but I would never touch anyone's mother.

**Sirius:** She isn't _alive. _She is a painting on the third floor.

**Harry:** Oh… right… so _that's _why Ron's been hanging around there. Valuing antique vases my arse.

**Thanks for reading! PLease review.**


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